


while our blood's still young

by celestialfics (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (it's on the good side), Alternate Universe - 1950s, Ambiguous/Open Ending, First Dates, First Kiss, Flirting, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 03:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8516212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/celestialfics
Summary: In the midst of 1950s America, Phil works at a malt shop that Dan frequents after school. Inevitably as their relationship progresses, the two boys face unrelenting adversity in a world that does not yet see all love as equal.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve been working on this fic for months and i think that i couldn’t have gotten a more unfortunate time to post - with trump and pence being elected i just want to say that i love and support everyone who is in the lgbtq+ community and you definitely do not deserve to suffer for being who you are. that being said, i hope that america can continue to move forward, despite the events of the past election and the past months and the upcoming years of trump presidency. so be careful while reading, i would hate to cause more problems than are already in light.
> 
> as a side-note/disclaimer: i am a non-gender conforming gay person so i am not trying to exploit the struggle of lgbtq+ people in this terrible time period.  
> title and section dividers are from the temper trap's "sweet disposition."  
> thank you for reading! 
> 
> and [here's the amazing art](http://cuntphil.tumblr.com/post/152973322973/art-for-tadachans-beautiful-fic-while-our) for this fic by cuntphil ! thank you so much fefe !!!! i'll link this again in the end notes for those who want to look after they've read the fic!

**_A DREAM // A LAUGH_ **

A pretty girl sat next to him. She had brown hair that fluffed at her shoulders, pearl earrings, and a pendant necklace that hung at the dip between her collarbones; a strawberry milkshake sat in front of her, the pink color matching her blouse. She had neglected the red and white striped straw and opted for a spoon to eat the thick drink with, so every time she dipped the spoon back in, the silverware clinked against the glass, drawing Dan’s attention to her. He thought that for sure he was lucky she’d taken the seat next to him; anyone felt lucky when graced with the presence of a pretty girl. But for some reason, unbeknownst to himself, Dan didn’t want to talk to her.

He pondered starting a conversation anyway, wondering if he had already come across as rude since he hadn’t greeted her. She didn’t seem to particularly mind, anyway, as she swayed slightly on her barstool to the faint music playing from the jukebox on the other side of the room. Dan couldn’t quite recognize the song.

Just as he opened his mouth to begin conversing with the girl sat next to him, Dan was interrupted by a boy about his age working behind the counter. The boy had slicked his dark hair back behind his ears, exposing his slightly sunburnt forehead. His bright blue eyes were a contrast to the burnt red skin of his face. Dan thought he was just as pretty as the girl, but he forced the thought away.

“Awkward first date, Annie?” the new boy talked to the girl, leaning forward and pressing his hands on the counter he stood behind. Dan figured he was working, but Dan also couldn’t quite think straight in his presence.

“I—uh,” Dan stuttered, feeling his face begin to heat up.

The girl—Annie, Dan presumed—laughed, setting her spoon down on the napkin next to her glass before speaking: “No, no. I was just about to introduce myself.”

Dan cringed slightly. He was supposed to initiate, that’s just how things were. He wasn’t really great at starting conversation in the first place, as observed in the fact Dan hadn’t really made many friends in school. That would also explain why he hadn’t noticed or met these people in school before; he simply wasn’t looking to introduce himself to anyone. To be fair, Dan told himself, school had just started for the year. He had time.

“Making the lady do the talking, I see,” the boy teased, interrupting Dan’s thoughts.

“I was _going_ to introduce myself right when you walked up!” Dan defended before smiling sheepishly at Annie beside him.

“Awh,” he replied, “I’ve ruined it now, haven’t I?” The boy gave no time for either of them to reply. “Well, I’ll introduce myself first. Maybe that’ll get the ball rolling.”

Before he had a chance to introduce himself, a woman’s voice rang from the back of the ice cream shop: “ _Phil!_ May I remind you that you’re on shift?”

The boy’s face dropped slightly, but he perked back up almost instantaneously. “I’m Phil, as you heard. And I’ve got to go, I suppose.” Phil winked at the pair on the barstools before turning around and walking to where another customer had been waiting for service.

“What a guy,” Annie chuckled, “I’m Annie, by the way.”

“Dan,” he replied, his eyes trailing after Phil as he walked away. He shook out of that after a moment, turning slightly to meet Annie’s gaze. “Do you know him?”

“Nice to meet you, too.” She ever-so-slightly rolled her eyes. “But yeah, he’s my cousin. ‘Got quite the personality.”

Dan just nodded, looking down at the chocolate malt that sat in front of him. He realized he hadn’t yet touched it, so he leaned down and began to slurp it through the straw.

“Do you come around here a lot? I haven’t seen you here before.” Annie took initiative again, trying to keep Dan’s attention.

“Oh, uh, no, not really. I just thought I’d come by today, with it being Friday and all.” Dan smiled as he lied, stirring the straw around in his drink. “How about you?”

“My mom just told me the other day that Phil got a job here, so I decided to check it out. Any place has gotta be a _little_ quirky for Phil to wanna work there,” she said, “but I think he just might like all the pretty girls that come around.”

She was probably right; as Dan looked around he saw an abundance of “pretty girls”, two of which were at the counter being waited on by Phil.

“Yeah,” he breathed in response.

“So, tell me about yourself, then.”

And that’s practically how the whole encounter continued. Annie would ask a question, Dan would respond awkwardly and minimally before letting Annie talk instead, and eventually she would ask another question. Both the conversational partners knew that was not how it was _supposed_ to go, but neither of them made an effort to correct their improper etiquette.

After some time, one of Annie’s friends came up beside her and asked if she’d wanted to go play cards at Rodney’s house, to which she agreed. She bid Dan a hasty farewell, saying it was nice to meet him and that she hoped to see him around sometime before exiting the shop and getting into a car with her friend and, presumably, Rodney.

Dan sighed into his hands after she’d left, cursing himself for acting how he had. At this rate, he’d never woo a girl or even take one step on “the path to getting a wife”—which was all his aunt ever talked to him about.

His mother probably would’ve been the same way, if she ever talked to him. But she didn’t. Dan felt bad for her. Ever since his father died in the war, she hadn’t really been nice to be around. She worked hard and often, as the military benefits were not enough to live on. She snapped a lot, so Dan found it to be better for the both of them if he just stayed away from home.

Dan couldn’t remember his father aside from what he’d seen in pictures, as Dan was only about three years old when his dad was first drafted. He died when Dan was six. At the time, Dan didn’t understand why his mom cried so much, so he cried a lot, too. When he finally started school, he wondered why he didn’t have a dad like all the other kids did. Needless to say, Dan’s mother wasn’t very good at explaining it, breaking into tears and telling Dan to go to his room instead of explaining anything at all. Dan’s aunt filled him in on the entire situation when she moved in when he was eleven.

“Lost in thought?” Phil had returned.

“Hmm?” Dan jerked slightly at the sudden interruption. “Yeah.”

“Important stuff, I presume?” Phil walked around the corner and took a seat on the stool next to Dan. “I’m on break,” he explained.

“No, not important. Not really.” Dan sighed into his malt straw, a small bubbling sound emitting from the action.

“Is that any good?” Phil asked, stealing the malt glass out from under Dan and sticking the straw into his own mouth.

Dan tried to act casually, despite the fact this guy he’d just met was drinking through the same straw he’d just had in his own mouth.

“It _is_ good,” Phil confirmed, “so why are you taking so long to drink it?” Phil took another swallow before Dan stole the drink back.

“‘Dunno,” Dan mumbled as he stirred the straw around, wondering if it’d be weird to drink out of it again just after Phil had. He decided not and took a drink.

“I don’t believe I caught your name,” Phil stated as he scratched at a little crevice in the countertop before him. “And mine’s Phil, in case you forgot. Not that you did.”

“Oh, I’m Dan.” He watched Phil’s fingers intently until he realized he was staring and tore his gaze away. He didn’t mention that he hadn’t forgotten Phil’s name.

“Short for anything?” Phil pondered, “Danilo? Danrick? Dan—”

“Dan _rick_?” Dan let out a quick laugh of surprise, “It’s Daniel.”

“Ah,” Phil replied, clicking his tongue, “Of course. But very _boring_ , Daniel.”

“It’s not like I picked it out myself, _Philip_. Besides, you’re one to talk.” Dan defended and guessed his conversational partner’s full name as well.

“Actually, Phil’s short for _Philanthropy_ ,” he stated matter-of-factly, looking to Dan with raised eyebrows.

“I bet it is.” Dan smiled, shaking his head. “You’re wild.”

Suddenly, it struck Dan that Phil had decided to sit next to him instead of all the “pretty girls” that Annie had said he liked. He felt a slight warm feeling in his chest and smothered it immediately with a cool drink from his malt.

“Is it nice working here?” Dan asked, initiating conversation for the first time since he’d entered the shop.

“It’s alright,” Phil shrugged, “I mean, there are a lot of worse things to be doing. Lots of my friends work for their dads, in car shops and all that. Now, I like cars just as much as the next guy, but I’m not too good with them myself. ‘Know a lot about ‘em, but can’t use my knowledge for shit.” Phil let out a little bark of laughter, causing Dan to smile back at him.

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know _anything_ about cars. Never felt any sort of interest in them,” Dan admitted, his smile turning sheepish.

“Well,” Phil started, pausing for a moment, as if he wasn’t sure he should continue, “You’ll love them once I take you out in mine.”

Dan blinked once; his heart had abruptly fallen to his feet. Phil, _Phil_ —a _boy_ , may he remind you, a _pretty_ boy—had just hit on him. A million panicked thoughts raced through his head before he choked out: “Is that so?”

“Mhm,” Phil hummed, stealing Dan’s malt again and taking another sip.

“I’ll hold you to that,” Dan spoke when he regained his composure. Surely, he thought, Phil was just being friendly. No one’s _that_ straightforward about things like that, and especially not of this socially unacceptable nature. He’d simply interpreted it wrong, he figured. No one else would have taken it that way, no one but Dan. Dan, again, pushed his thoughts away.

“Are you gonna finish this?” Phil questioned as he tapped on the glass of the malt he was holding.

“You can have it,” Dan responded absentmindedly, to which Phil hummed some sort of thanks into the straw.

Dan wondered how Phil could finish a malt that had been sitting in front of Dan for nearly an hour now in less than a minute, but before he could make a remark about it, Phil stood from his spot.

“Break’s over,” he said with a slight frown that quickly transformed into a smile. “See you around, okay?”

“See you around,” Dan confirmed, Phil giving him a small salute as he backed away, eventually colliding with a countertop behind him. He feigned being hurt after he got over the initial shock, causing Dan to snort.

Dan shook his head before standing up and leaving a couple bucks on the counter. The sun had set while he was talking to Phil, Dan noticed, but it hadn’t felt like that long at all. A little bell jingled as he swung open the door to exit, the late August air still warm after nightfall. Dan bit on his bottom lip to contain the giant smile he felt welling up in his chest as he left the shop.

The feeling abruptly melted away when Dan caught sight of a group of kids his age down the street, beating up another kid just out of the reach of the streetlight. He swallowed thickly and clenched his eyes shut as he heard one of the abusers say: “You like that, faggot?”

Dan suddenly wanted to vomit, but he just hightailed in the opposite direction.

* * *

 

Dan saw Phil again sooner rather than later. Dan figured he’d seem too eager if he showed up again at the shop the next day, so he went again on Sunday night. He wasn’t even sure Phil would be working that day, so he just crossed his fingers and hoped Phil would be there.

To Dan’s luck, as he opened the door and the bell jingled once again, he was greeted by Phil’s familiar smiling face. His sunburn had faded by then, and Dan found himself marveling at Phil’s truly pale complexion. He’d figured that after the sunburn healed, Phil would have some kind of tan, but he’d figured wrong.

“Daniel!”

Dan chest squeezed tightly at the fact Phil had remembered his name.

“How do you do, Philanthropy?” Dan joked, taking a seat at the counter in front of Phil. Phil smiled at the mention of his “full name”. Dan took quick note of how Phil’s tongue darted slightly out between his teeth when he smiled. Dan willed himself to look away when he felt a bit of heat on his cheeks.

“Oh, you know, same old. And you?”

If a stranger had been listening in on their conversation, they probably would have thought the two boys were lifelong friends, not day-long acquaintances.

As Dan couldn’t just come into the shop to speak with Phil—well, he _could_ , but that would be far too obvious and certainly a bit weird—he ordered another malt.

“You came at a good time,” Phil lowered his voice as he slid the glass across the counter to Dan, the cold drink leaving a line of moisture in its wake. “I get off shift in fifteen minutes, if you wanna sit at that booth over there.” Phil gestured over. “I’ll join you soon.”

“O-Okay.” Dan was taken slightly aback once again by Phil’s forwardness. Dan had to forcefully remind himself that this was _friendly,_ and it was _very_ weird to think of Phil the same way he should be thinking of a girl. _Illegal_ , even; he could be disowned and thrown in jail, or even a mental institution. Dan shuddered before proceeding to the booth that Phil had pointed out.

He’d thought about this before, Dan reminded himself as he stirred the straw around in his drink. Ever since he was younger, Dan had never had any particular interest in girls. And there had been other Phils—boys that, no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, made Dan’s heart jump in his chest—but he cut them out of his life faster than he wanted to admit.

Phil wanted to be _friends_ , Dan tried to convince himself, because if Phil wanted anything more… both of them would be in serious danger.

“You think too much, Daniel,” Phil spoke as he approached, seemingly taking no notice to the way Dan flinched as Phil slid into the seat opposite of Dan.

“Just Dan,” he clarified, looking sheepishly down at his malt before pushing it across the table to Phil. “Dan’s fine.”

Phil didn’t hesitate to start drinking Dan’s relatively untouched malt, “Thanks, Dan.”

Dan let out a little huff of air and watched Phil’s fingers drum on the table.

“Why’d you come around so late?” Phil questioned, pushing the drink back towards Dan. “I mean, it’s practically closing time. Marcie is probably just wrapping up.”

“Better late than never?” Dan shrugged, looking around the shop to see only a couple other people still around.

“Hm.” Phil observed Dan as he put his mouth on his straw.

“Fine.” Dan scowled after he’d taken a drink. “I didn’t want to stick around if you weren’t here.”

Phil cracked a wide smile, “Is that really why?”

“Yes. Shut up.” Dan brought his hand up to his face to poorly mask the blush he felt forming.

“I don’t think I’ve ever swept someone off their feet so fast.” Phil chuckled, watching as Dan’s face progressively reddened.

“Do you mean that as…” Dan managed to choke out, not sure exactly how to react.

“If I did, would that be okay?”

Dan swallowed and quickly looked around them again to make sure no one was within earshot. Almost everything inside of Dan screamed at him to say _‘No! What are you even thinking? No way!’._ But, for _some_ reason, he said, “Yeah. I think that would be okay.” Dan thought it was Phil’s eyes that got him to say that. They were so blue and so wide and so inviting… Maybe if Phil’s eyes were closed, Dan could’ve really thought his answer through.

A warm smile appeared on Phil’s face at Dan’s answer.

Dan scratched at the back of his neck. What in the world had gotten him to this point of his life—this point where he knowingly agreed to jumping into something so dangerous with someone he’d only met twice? Maybe it’d been a long time coming.

* * *

 

**_A KISS // A CRY_ **

As it turned out, Marcie, the ice cream shop owner, didn’t particularly mind Dan’s constant presence. _“As long as you buy something and don’t distract him too much,”_ she’d say. Phil had a theory that she was sympathetic towards them because she must’ve had a family member who was gay. Dan fiercely shushed him at mention of the “g-word”, to which Phil rolled his eyes and said that “it just means happy or carefree.”

Dan refuted Phil’s _Marcie theory_ because they weren’t even “acting outrightly gay,” so Marcie would never know. Phil flirted sometimes, and Dan went along with it when he was sure no one was watching, but that was about the extent of it. To counter, Phil cocked his head and asked Dan if he’d like to act “outrightly gay.” Dan was too flustered to give an actual response.

Either way, Marcie let them stay after closing time nearly every day that Phil worked: Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday (Phil had been sure to inform Dan on this). More times than not, Dan bought a malt, and Phil drank most of it after he got off shift.

One particular Friday night, Marcie had shut off most of the lights when she walked into the main room of the shop and let out a sigh upon the sight of Dan and Phil still sitting together at a booth.

“Still here?” she asked rhetorically, digging the shop key out of her back pocket. She tossed the key to Phil, before speaking. “Lock it up when you leave, alright?”

“Thanks, Marcie!” Phil chirped at her as the bell above the door jingled when she walked out, rolling her eyes at the two boys. “Do you still think she doesn’t know?” He turned his attention to Dan.

“There’s hardly anything to know,” Dan replied, picking at his fingernails.

“Is that right?” Phil’s eyebrows quirked as he looked at Dan with curious eyes.

“Well, I mean… we’re not _steady_ or anything, it’s just—” Dan stammered out, not making direct eye contact.

“…Do you want to be?” Phil looked up at Dan through his eyelashes. Dan swallowed hard.

“If anybody found out…” Dan trailed; his throat felt dry and his heart pounded in his ears.

“I know.”

“We could be arrested or—”

“I _know_.” Phil stressed, and Dan thought it a little inappropriate for Phil to have a smile on his face at that moment.

“You’re willing to risk it?” Dan blinked.

“About as willing as I am to risk asking you out on a date,” Phil said, his head cocked.

“And just how willing is that?” Dan mimicked Phil’s movement.

“Would you go on a date with me?”

Dan choked a little on the ice cream he’d just been swallowing. “ _…Seriously?_ ” he whispered, even though no one was around.

“Yeah, I mean, if it’s alright with you. I think it would be fun to go on an actual date or something. No one has to find out, you know?” Phil eyed the way Dan’s knuckles were turning white as he gripped the edge of the table.

Dan slowly released his grip, the color returning to his hands. “You’re right, no one has to find out…”

The idea in itself seemed almost _too_ obvious. Of course, if they didn’t tell anybody, nobody would know, right? Dan didn’t have the capacity in that moment to think of anything that could go wrong.

“So, where do you want to go?”

* * *

 

Dan was somewhat thankful for having a mother that hardly ever spoke to him as he stood by the door that next Saturday, waiting for Phil to come pick him up. He was thankful because he didn’t have to think of a way to explain to her why a boy was picking him up and taking him to the drive-in theater alone.

Unfortunately, his aunt was another story. She’d been hounding him for details as soon as he’d made the mistake of just _mentioning_ going out to her. To avoid any suspicion, Dan formulated the story that Phil was just picking him up first and that they’d meet up with some girls later. There was no way his aunt could falsify his story unless she followed him all the way to the drive-in, but she didn’t have a car, and for the most part, she trusted Dan’s word.

Of course, his aunt still wanted to know everything about Phil, from how old he was to when they’d met and where. Dan let out a sigh of relief when he spotted Phil pulling up to his house, meaning he could escape the relentless questions of his aunt. He appreciated that she cared about him where his mother failed to, but most of the time, it was a _tad_ overbearing. When she asked if she could come out and meet him, Dan pretended he hadn’t heard and quickly got into the passenger seat of Phil’s car.

“Go,” Dan said to Phil as he sat down, his aunt starting to approach the vehicle. He waved to his aunt as Phil pulled away from the curb, and she gave up meeting Phil and just waved back.

“S’that your mom?” Phil questioned, Dan noticing for the first time the cigarette that sat between Phil’s lips.

“No, uh, my aunt,” Dan spoke absentmindedly, distracted by Phil’s cigarette.

Phil nodded in response and exhaled some smoke, not asking any further questions.

“What movie’s playing?” Dan broke the dull moment as the smoke swirled around the car and out the window that Phil had left cracked.

“I think it’s a Disney movie,” Phil said, squinting his eyes as he tried to recall the title. “Something about dogs? I dunno.”

“Hm,” Dan hummed to acknowledge Phil’s statement, though he didn’t recognize the movie, either. He supposed it didn’t really matter all that much.

Dan took a moment to appreciate Phil in more casual clothing than his work uniform; he wore an old, beaten up denim jacket dotted with pins and patches with a plain white shirt underneath. The shirt was tucked into his dark slacks, which were loosely cuffed at the ends, not unlike the sleeves of his jacket.

“You look good,” Dan found himself saying.

“Yeah?” Phil moved the hand that held the cigarette to the steering wheel, lifting the opposite hand to drag through his hair in emphasis. “My ma always tells me I clean up nice.”

Dan let out a little snort. “I’m sure that what you’re wearing now is her definition of cleaning up.” His voice dripped sarcasm.

Phil let out a little chuckle in response, but said nothing more. He brought his cigarette back up to his lips, glancing over to see Dan curiously watching his movements.

“D’ya wanna drag?” Phil cocked an eyebrow, holding out his cigarette to the passenger.

“Oh, uh, I—” Dan stopped himself. “Sure, yeah.” He took the cigarette from Phil’s hand and slowly brought it up to his lips. Dan was glad that Phil was driving, so his concentration wasn’t on watching Dan smoke for the first time (though Phil didn’t know it was his first time).

Dan didn’t dwell on that fact as long as he should have. He inhaled the smoke from the cigarette and immediately regretted it, sputtering and coughing in reaction.

Phil directed his attention to Dan at the sudden noise, only to see Dan’s face flush and the light spiral of smoke ascend continuously from the cigarette.

“That’s terrible!” Dan exclaimed, holding the _god forsaken smoke stick_ away from himself. “I _hated_ that.”

“You’ve never—?”

“No,” Dan responded before Phil had finished the question. “My aunt hates cigarettes, so I’ve never touched one.”

“Hm.” Phil shrugged, taking the cigarette back. Dan watched in wonder as Phil took another drag from it, inhaling and exhaling smoothly.

“It’s not that I have anything against it, but…” Dan trailed, not knowing how to continue. “I guess I don’t get the appeal.”

“Me either,” Phil laughed, snuffing the cigarette on an ashtray that sat on the dashboard. “I think it’s just conformity.”

“Oh,” Dan breathed, “You don’t strike me as the type to ‘conform’.”

“You can only stick out in so many ways before people start to target you.” Phil’s voice was far too casual for his message, Dan thought.

“I suppose you’re right.”

Before either of them could think too much about that, Phil pulled up to the small wooden ticket booth and paid for two. Dan almost began to argue but Phil shushed him before he could get a word out.

“ _Lady and the Tramp_ ,” Phil told the title of the movie as he slowly brought his car to park at the very back of the open expanse meant for cars. “It’s about dogs; I was right.”

“We’ll hardly be able to see from back here, you know.” Dan squinted at the screen with a slight frown.

“And no one can see us smooching back here.” Phil’s lips pulled into a confident smirk as Dan flushed from the tips of his ears and down his neck.

“W-What?”

“You think anyone comes here to actually _watch_ the movie?” Phil was amused.

“I do!” Dan was quick to retort, trying (and failing) to mask his blush with his hands.

“You _used_ to.”

Dan took a deep breath. He was sure, _definitely_ sure this was what he wanted. He _wanted_ to be here, flirting with Phil, and he _wanted_ to “smooch” where no one could see. He wanted Phil’s hair between his fingers, just like he’d wanted other boys’ in the past, but this time it was different. He _could_ , this time, because Phil wanted to, as well. Phil didn’t think it was bad or wrong or worthy of punishment. And, _Jesus_ , Phil was beautiful with his pale skin and high cheekbones and his blue, _blue_ eyes.

At these realizations, Dan felt kind of drunk. He broke out into a huge grin and pressed his face into his hands, pulling them away not a moment later to look back at Phil.

“This is crazy.” Dan couldn’t wipe the smile from his face.

“Aren’t teenagers supposed to be a little reckless and crazy?” Phil prompted, his facial expression reflecting Dan’s.

“I guess, kind of, but I’ve never—”

Dan was cut off as Phil leaned over in his seat and cupped one of his hands under Dan’s jaw, tilting Dan’s head and connecting their lips. Neither of them moved and the kiss was quite frankly nothing special in terms of _kissing_ , but still Dan’s heart was beating faster and harder than it’d ever before. As he looked at Phil after they pulled apart, their faces again lit up with bright smiles. Dan quickly pulled Phil back towards him, their teeth clinking together before they both melted into the kiss. Dan was just so fucking _happy_. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so happy and _free_.

* * *

 

When Phil returned Dan to his home later that night, Dan was almost certain nothing could dampen his mood. Besides maybe thinking of a way to get around telling his aunt that he’d just made out with Phil and came in Phil’s hand in the back of his car instead of watching the movie. Because that had just happened. _Holy fuck_.

It seemed luck was on his side that night, however, because as he walked through the door, no one was there to greet him. Everyone had already gone to sleep. Dan let out a long sigh of relief as he walked the rest of the way to his bedroom, clicking the door shut behind him and falling face-first onto his bed. He refrained from the urge to scream; it just felt like the happiness was bubbling up inside him and threatening to burst out at any minute.

Dan rolled over onto his back, lifting his hands up to his lips. His fingers ghosted over them before they moved down to his neck, gently touching all the places Phil had been kissing not long ago.

He was sure he’d just broken some laws, but he didn’t care what they were. He didn’t care! _What a great thing to be, carefree._ Dan shoved his face into his pillow as he couldn’t contain his grinning.

How foolish of him to think this could last.

* * *

 

Following their first date, the entire air of their relationship had been slightly altered. Marcie ended up giving Phil the key to lock up more often times than not, and Phil was an even more relentless flirt than Dan had first thought. After Marcie had left for the night, Phil considered practically everything to be fair game. There were lots and _lots_ of kisses, not that Dan was complaining. He loved kissing. He loved kissing _Phil_.

Sometimes Phil tasted a hint chocolatey, which obviously coincided with his tendency to swipe Dan’s malts. Dan, again, wasn’t complaining. He couldn’t think of much to complain about when Phil’s lips were pressed against his own and Phil’s hands roamed under the back of Dan’s shirt. If he were being honest, he couldn’t really think coherent thoughts in general while in Phil’s presence. He supposed it was the honeymoon stage.

Dan’s aunt had been adamant on teaching Dan about relationships when he was younger, since her lovelife had utterly crumbled into some horrific mess that caused her to move in with her late brother’s widow. So, he knew of the blissful beginning stage, and he knew he was not supposed to fall for any “lovely illusions”, as his aunt had been sure to tell him. (She’d also been sure to tell him that she married Dan’s uncle during this stage, and it was the biggest mistake of her life.) Now, Dan wasn’t about to get married, so he figured there was really nothing to worry about. He was happy whenever around Phil, and Phil seemed to reciprocate the feeling. Perhaps that was all some kind of “lovely illusion”, but Dan didn’t care to dwell on it.

Unfortunately, all things came to an end at some point, and Dan and Phil’s honeymoon stage did not defy this. While Dan had been so enthralled in _Phil_ , he’d completely disregarded the basis of all his earlier fears. _Illegal, this was all illegal_. They could be jailed. They could be hanged. They could be subject to conversion or electroshock therapy. But because he’d been so blinded by Phil’s laugh and Phil’s kiss, Dan had subconsciously allowed himself to act more “outrightly gay” in public.

 _Conformity_ , Dan bitterly quoted Phil’s prior words as he found himself cornered by three schoolboys behind the post office, just off his usual route to the ice cream shop. _You can only stick out in so many ways before people start to target you._

He’d first ignored the boys’ taunts from behind him, their hissing of the words “queer” and “filthy faggot” falling on deaf ears. After all, Dan thought, how could they know? He and Phil had been careful in public. Or Phil had, and Dan foolishly hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t necessarily being as careful as he should’ve been. Ignoring the taunters, however, seemed to rile them up even more. Before Dan could even protest, one of them had fisted the fabric of the back of Dan’s shirt and used this hold to drag him around and slam him up against the back wall of the post office.

The initial hit had smashed his chest and head against the brick wall and effectively knocked the air out of him, so Dan couldn’t very well think of defending himself as the boys spat insults at him. He felt a sharp pain jolting from where his head had collided with the wall, followed by a warm, wet sensation trickling down his face. He tasted iron as one of the boys kicked Dan’s feet out from under him. After he had fallen to the ground, Dan couldn’t quite register how many times he’d been kicked. All he knew was that those boys were wearing very, very heavy boots and he _hurt_ and he just wanted them to stop while he was still breathing.

Dan’s wish was seemingly granted when the kicking suddenly stopped, the sound of those heavy boots slamming against the pavement in a panicked manner echoing in Dan’s ears. Something, some _one_ had caused them to run away. Dan attempted opening his eyes, and before the blood from the wound on his forehead turned his vision red, he vaguely recognized a figure not twenty feet away from him, shaking and holding out a pistol in the direction of the fleeing boys. Clenching his eyes shut, Dan prayed to whoever out there that was listening for that figure not to use the gun on him.

“Oh, dear.” Dan heard a feminine voice as a hand gently came in contact with Dan’s bloody face, seemingly examining the damage. _Marcie_ , he recognized, and relief flowed through his entire body. “They sure didn’t go easy on you.”

Dan let out a weak laugh, all he could muster. He attempted to sit himself upright against the wall, but Marcie had to take hold of his shoulders and guide him up.

“Thanks,” he coughed out, bringing a hand up to his mouth to wipe away some of the blood.

“No time for that,” Marcie stated, crouching down and looping one of her arms underneath Dan’s armpit. She heaved him up to where he was standing, though he was slouched on her with his other arm pressed against his stomach.

The pair stumbled down the alley until they reached the back entrance of the ice cream shop, where Marcie let Dan lean against the wall as she unlocked the door. After helping Dan through the doorway, she guided him to the nearest chair and told him to stay put. (It wasn’t like he was about to go anywhere, anyway.)

Dan didn’t have the energy to attempt eavesdropping on the hushed conversation between Phil and Marcie on the other side of the wall, but they weren’t speaking for very long. Phil entered the room as soon as Marcie finished explaining the situation, his eyebrows tightly knit until he laid his sight upon Dan. His face immediately softened as he approached the injured boy, but after a few moments his jaw clenched tightly and he swallowed thickly.

“I’m taking you home,” Phil stated, his voice emotionless.

“No—I can’t go home.” Dan protested with whatever energy he had left. “I can’t, Phil. Not like this.”

“To my house,” Phil clarified, “I’m going to clean you up. Is that okay?”

Dan’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Yeah.”

“Okay. I’m going to bring my car around back. It’ll just be a minute.”

Dan nodded, but winced at the action.

Phil turned around and exited the room, leaving Dan to his thoughts. Phil was definitely acting strangely stoic, but Dan was still coherent enough to figure that Phil was angry. Angry at who’d done this to him, Dan figured. But Dan didn’t want to drag Phil into this; it was Dan’s own fault, after all, wasn’t it? He’d been the careless one.

For some reason, though, Dan couldn’t be mad at himself. Yes, he’d been stupid not to listen to what everyone had been telling him. Yes, that’d gotten the shit beat out of him. But he’d been stupid because he was so unbridledly _happy_ and carefree. Rather than being angry with himself, Dan just pitied himself. Very well, he couldn’t go back to being that happy when reality had just submerged him in ice cold water to wake him up from his “lovely illusions”.

Thinking so much just made his head hurt more, so Dan just wallowed selfishly in his pity until Phil returned and helped Dan into the seat of his car.

“We’ll have to go through the back,” Phil informed Dan as he drove with his fists clenched around the steering wheel. His voice portrayed none of the emotion that his white knuckles did. “‘Don’t want my old man to see us.”

Dan didn’t ask.

As he’d said, Phil brought Dan in through the back entrance of his house. Dan leaned into Phil’s side, his arms wrapped around one of Phil’s own for balance. They walked together silently down a short hallway until they approached a door that Phil swung open and closed slowly behind them, as not to make any noise. He proceeded to turn the lock until it clicked.

Neither of the boys said anything while Phil turned on the tap, waiting for the water to turn lukewarm before dampening a cloth under the stream. He pressed the warm cloth to Dan’s forehead, causing the younger boy to let out a sharp hiss at the contact.

Dan wasn’t sure when, but he’d started crying. Phil’s mouth turned to a small, crooked smile as he swiped the pad of his thumb underneath Dan’s eye, the movement leaving both tears and dried blood on Phil’s skin.

The attackers had only broken Dan’s skin in that one place on his forehead, so Phil only had so much to clean up. Dan was sure, however, that they’d managed quite a few bruises on his torso.

After wiping the cloth a final time against Dan’s cheek and tossing the now stained material to the side, Phil carefully wrapped his arms around Dan’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to Dan’s hairline. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbled against the hair, his embrace gentle yet firm. Dan could see his Adam’s apple bob.

“I don’t want you to do anything,” Dan spoke clearly as he rested his chin on Phil’s shoulder.

Phil didn’t reply, but he pulled slightly away from Dan, their eyes meeting.

“I was foolish,” Dan averted his gaze. “and I don’t want you getting hurt because of it.”

“Wait.” Phil blinked. “Look at me.”

Dan did as told, swallowing thickly.

“Dan,” Phil cupped his hand under Dan’s chin. “Please tell me you don’t think this is your fault.”

“It _is_ my fault. I was acting—”

“Acting what, Dan? _‘Too queer’_?” Phil’s eyes were piercing into Dan’s own and he wasn’t sure he remembered how to breathe.

“Yes,” Dan replied, shutting his eyes to ease the intensity of the situation.

“It’s not your fault.” Phil lowered his hand from where he’d been holding Dan in place. “It’s never your fault that you’ve been born into a world that hates you for simply _being_.”

“I don’t—” Dan didn’t know how to respond, so the sentence hung in the air unfinished.

“I won’t do anything.” Phil turned away from Dan, picking up the bloody cloth from where it had been lying on the ground.

“Thank you,” Dan breathed, watching as Phil stuffed the cloth into his back pocket, presumably to dispose of it elsewhere. “I’ll be more careful.”

The look on Phil’s face said ‘You’ve done nothing wrong,’ but the older boy chose not to verbalize so.

Dan wondered then if he’d been crying the entire time or if he’d just started again, because he couldn’t recall.

* * *

 

**_OUR RIGHTS // OUR WRONGS_ **

Dan’s bruises eventually faded, but the effects of the attacks lingered on much longer. When Dan had returned home that first night, he swore his aunt was going to pass out as soon as she laid her sight upon him. After he’d told her his more or less carefully thought-out excuse that he was being robbed on his way home, she’d coddled him to no end. She also decided that it wasn’t safe for Dan to be staying out so late at night. He was to head home directly after school, unless he had a valid reason to be out. _Goodbye, after-closing-time antics and all free will_.

And, well, Phil wasn’t so easy to give up.

Dan dismissed the first tap on his window late at night as an accident—a bird, maybe, or a large bug. The second tap prompted him to sit up on his bed, looking curiously at the glass. At the third tap, Dan got out of bed and looked out his window to see Phil standing outside, his face lit up in a bright smile and his arms outreached, giving Dan two thumbs up.

And while Dan’s bruises did fade, his feelings for Phil stayed the same, unphased by the intention of the vicious attack or the possibility of more in the future.

So, Dan pushed his window open and stuck his head out before whispering loudly down to Phil: “What’re you doing here?”

“Surprise,” Phil said back, shrugging. “Just come out to my car. It’s in front.”

Dan didn’t argue; he was just glad to see Phil. Since Dan’s aunt had put forth his new curfew, his chances to see Phil had declined drastically. Phil drove Dan to school in the mornings, which Dan’s aunt approved of, and sometimes they had time before school to talk. Since Phil was a year ahead of him, however, during school, Dan only shared one class with him and sometimes they had lunch together. Other than that, they practically had no way to see each other, and certainly there was no chance of anything even mildly sexual happening in those allotted times. Thus, Dan didn’t argue, even if he were wearing pajamas and couldn’t be bothered to change.

Phil quirked an eyebrow at Dan’s outfit—a plain white t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms cinched at the waist—before shrugging and inviting Dan into the passenger seat of his car.

“No one knows you left?” Phil questioned as he started to drive, casting one last weary glance to Dan’s house.

“No, I don’t think so. Auntie sleeps like the dead and my ma’s bedroom is on the other side of the house, anyway.” Dan played with the hem of his shirt as Phil nodded. “Where are we going?”

“Mm, I haven’t decided exactly where, but,” he started, “somewhere remote.”

“I missed you,” Dan blurted, as if they hadn’t seen each other at school earlier that day.

Phil let out a chuckle before replying, “I missed you, too.”

“I mean, we haven’t really been alone since—”

“Yeah,” Phil interrupted, obviously not needing Dan to explain.

The two were quiet for a while; Dan watched the scenery out the window as Phil navigated out of town. After driving for about twenty minutes, Phil pulled over on the side of a country road and stopped the car.

After popping open his door, Phil exited his car and walked around the front, heaving himself up onto the hood. He patted the metal next to him, inviting Dan to join him.

“You should have told me we were going outside,” Dan pouted slightly as he pulled himself up onto the car next to Phil, “It’s kinda cold.”

“Hm,” Phil hummed thoughtfully, “Take this.”

Phil slipped out of his jean jacket, passing the clothing over to Dan, who accepted it hesitantly.

“You won’t be cold?” Dan asked as he slid on the sleeves of the jacket, which was already warm because Phil had been wearing it.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Phil pulled on the cuff of his long-sleeved shirt, “I came prepared.”

Dan smiled lightly at Phil as he pulled the front of the jean jacket closed. He inspected some of the pins and patches, wondering how long it’d taken Phil to fill the entire jacket like he had. As he turned his head to ask, Phil was already looking at him.

“Why’re you staring at me, Lester?” Dan asked with a playful smirk, scooting over on the hood of the car so that their thighs touched.

“You just look cute, s’all,” Phil admitted, a light pink dusting his cheeks and the bridge of his nose. “The jacket, it suits you.”

Dan’s grin grew at Phil’s statement. He liked that, for the most part, he couldn’t keep a smile off his face while in Phil’s presence. Even if invasive thoughts about how they could never be open about themselves and about how dangerous this all was still creeped into Dan’s mind, Phil really did his best to keep them at bay.

“The stars look really pretty from out here,” Dan commented, his eyes trailing upwards.

“Yeah,” Phil breathed out in response.

“Do you know any constellations?” Dan asked, mentally drawing lines between the stars.

“Besides the Big Dipper?” Phil smiled, “Not really.”

“Well,” Dan started, taking hold of Phil’s hand and aiming it at the sky. Dan squished his cheek next to Phil’s so that their perspective would be similar as he used Phil’s hand to point at the sky. “That’s Cassiopeia,” he said as he pointed at a row of five stars in a zig-zagged line. “And _this_ ,”—he moved Phil’s hand to the other side of the sky—“is Pisces.”

“The fish?” Phil asked as Dan connected the stars of the constellation.

“Mhm,” Dan hummed as he dropped their hands into his lap. “I think space is interesting. Did you hear that the Russians were speaking of space exploration?”

“Are they, now?” Phil prompted Dan to continue.

“I heard something about it on the radio, I dunno. It’d be great to know more about what’s up there.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, staring up at the stars. “Really puts our lives into perspective, huh?”

“We’re so small,” Dan smiled sadly, before speaking again, “Do you think there’s a place out there where we could be happy?”

“In space?”

“Well, no.” Dan took a deep breath. “Just somewhere.”

“As long as I’m with you,” Phil turned his head, meeting Dan’s gaze. “I’m happy.”

Dan just sighed, ducking his head and planting a kiss to the side of Phil’s neck.

* * *

 

These trips out to the middle of nowhere became weekly; every Friday night just before midnight Dan was greeted with a few taps on his window and Phil standing outside with a grin.

Luckily, their interactions were not limited to only school and late night escapades. Dan’s aunt decided that it would be okay for Dan to go into town on weekends, and Phil didn’t have to work on Saturdays, so they could spend practically that whole day together. On Sundays, Dan usually went and visited Phil at the ice cream shop, even if he weren’t allowed to stay after closing time anymore.

So, they had some sort of routine. While Dan wished he could spend more time with Phil, he decided this wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. He was pretty happy to just see Phil at all.

One Friday night—or Saturday morning, considering the fact it was past midnight—Dan found himself in the driver’s seat of Phil’s car. Which, okay. Right. He had no clue what all these levers and buttons were for.

Phil, for whatever reason, had decided that it would be fun to teach Dan to drive. “It’s a valuable skill,” he’d said. Dan didn’t have it in him to argue, but as he sat in the seat with the steering wheel in front of him, he regretted not arguing against this. See, Phil made driving look easy. Phil made practically _everything_ he did look easy and nonchalant. Unfortunately for Dan, driving was not as easy as Phil made it appear.

“So, first, you’re gonna wanna start the car,” Phil said, guiding Dan’s hand to the ignition.

“No.” Dan retracted his hand. “First, you have to tell me what all these things do.”

“Oh, right.”

Dan wondered if Phil had a death wish.

After a somewhat brief explanation of some of the levers and pedals, Phil again pointed Dan to the ignition. The engine sputtered to life as Dan turned the key, reluctant to move his hand off of it.

“I don’t like this,” Dan said after he finally got the car to start moving. It inched forward, since Dan hadn’t yet pressed on the gas pedal.

“You’re doing fine,” Phil coaxed, “Now, just press lightly on the gas.”

Dan nodded hesitantly, moving his foot onto the pedal and exerting a bit of force. The car lurched forward only slightly, but that was enough to spook Dan into taking his foot off of the pedal.

“Dan,” Phil let out a light chuckle, “Don’t worry so much. Hit the gas again.”

Doing as told, Dan pressed on the gas pedal, not freaking out when the car began to gain speed.

“Now, this road is as straight as a ruler, so just focus on staying on the right side.” Phil reached over and turned the steering wheel slightly, as Dan had started to drift over to the left.

“Mm,” Dan grunted in acknowledgment. “I still don’t like this.”

After anxiously driving down the road for about five minutes, Dan slowed to a stop and pulled (a bit too far) over onto the side of the road.

“Can’t we do something a little more fun?” he whined, his foot firm on the brake.

“What’s more fun than this?” Phil prompted teasingly.

“I can think of at _least_ ten things we could do right now,” Dan started, trying to figure out how to get the car into park again. “and they all include your lips.”

“You’re getting confident, Howell.” Phil put the car into park for Dan, figuring he didn’t know how. He also removed the key from the ignition and tossed it onto the dashboard.

“I learned only from the best,” Dan replied, his face lighting up with a smile as he crawled over the center council and straddled Phil’s lap.

* * *

 

Sometimes, their free Saturdays were spent at Phil’s house. Saturdays at the Lester household were quiet, since Phil’s father worked late and his mother always spent weekends with Martyn, Phil’s brother that lived in the next town over. So, Dan and Phil practically had the house to themselves. It was quite a bit roomier than the cab of a car.

In a sense, the house felt a bit more free. Dan liked to imagine a future where he and Phil lived in a house, comfortably and most importantly, together. Sometimes, at the library, Dan would secretly read all the writings on “queer” people that he could get his hands on. Though a vast majority of the writings were negative, Dan still learned from them. He’d read something once about two gay men housing together, passing off as roommates. He figured he and Phil could do that, but not in their hometown. It’d be too obvious. A city seemed a more plausible place for this plan, and Dan decided he’d do more research before he brought this idea to Phil’s attention.

Unfortunately, the sense of freedom that the house had given Dan was nothing but an illusion. Dan learned this the hard way one afternoon, when Phil’s father had failed to mention to Phil that he’d be done with work early that day, and Phil hadn’t locked his bedroom door.

“Phil—” His statement cut short as he flung open Phil’s door to the sight of his son on top of another boy, kissing him. An immediately tense and uneasy silence fell upon the room as both of the boys’ attention snapped to the intrusion.

Phil pulled away from Dan quickly, sitting up straight and wiping the back of his hand over his mouth while Dan remained lying on the bed in shock and resisted the sudden urge to vomit.

“Dan,” Phil’s jaw clenched and he wouldn’t look down at Dan. “Go.”

“I—”

“ _Go_.”

Dan could see how Phil’s eyes darkened as he didn’t break eye-contact with his father, and Dan knew he really needed to leave or else he could be seriously hurt.

Shamefully, Dan pulled himself off of Phil’s bed and looked down at his feet as he walked past Phil’s father and out of Phil’s bedroom. As soon as Dan exited the room, Phil’s father pulled the door shut.

Dan could hear his heart beating in his ears as he stopped a few paces down the hallway, trying to listen to what was going on on the other side of the door. After he realized he wouldn’t be able to hear anything and if Phil’s father were to exit that room and see him still standing there, god _knows_ what would happen to him, Dan hightailed it out of Phil’s house and started down the road.

He began sobbing as he ran down the street, and his vicious wiping of his eyes proved worthless when more tears replaced the ones he had pushed away only moments earlier. He kept running, though, with Phil’s voice echoing in his head. _Go_.

Dan was going. He didn’t know where, but not home. He couldn’t go home like this without an explanation, and he was in no state to think of a cover-up story. So, he kept running to nowhere. His lungs heaved; tears and saliva were being continuously wiped away by Dan’s hands and arms. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe, and he couldn’t think.

He ended up stopping in a neighborhood he didn’t recognize. He couldn’t keep going any longer; no matter how much he wanted to run away forever, his body was screaming for air and rest. Dan retreated to a small park, shaking as he walked and sat himself under a tree. He leaned up against the trunk, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his face into them. The skin around Dan’s eyes burned from irritation.

When he’d first gotten beaten up, Dan had thought he was being stupid and that, in some way, he deserved it. Dan had always known and internalized the facts, that he could be arrested or institutionalized or even _killed_ for being gay, but he never quite understood why. He just knew it happened. Now, he could see past that. He could finally see the utter _hatred_ that infiltrated into society. Why Dan had never registered that the general “dislike” of homosexuals in society was so much bigger and so much deeper than just that, he didn’t know. What he did know, however, was that Phil didn’t deserve this. Phil didn’t deserve this!

Dan let out a choked sob into his knees before he took a deep breath. No more crying, he decided. He had to find a way to fix this.

After standing up and wiping at his eyes a final time, Dan started in the direction of the library. By the time he arrived, Dan had managed to regulate his breathing and mostly regain his composure, even if it were all a facade.

While in the library, Dan purposely searched for writings with hateful sentiments towards homosexuals. He scanned as many articles as he could find, many of which stated in disgust that it seemed “the Homosexuals are congregating in New York City”.

He decided that he’d like to join them.

* * *

 

The next time Dan saw Phil was Monday at school, after Dan had walked there. He’d figured Phil wouldn’t show up at the normal time to pick him up, with the circumstances. When Dan caught sight of Phil, however, he was both perplexed and relieved.

From what Dan could see, Phil had no bruises or anything of the sorts to show for the situation with his father. Even as he approached, Phil’s pale skin looked untouched.

“Hey,” Phil greeted shyly when he caught sight of Dan.

“How are you?” Dan asked immediately, tilting his head and inspecting Phil, in case he’d missed anything.

“Oh,” Phil breathed, “He didn’t hit me.”

“That’s good—”

“He’s not feeding me, he hasn’t talked to me since,” Phil let out a bitter laugh, “and he took my car.”

“Oh, Jesus.” Dan swallowed thickly. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Phil offered Dan a small, sad smile.

Dan sighed.

“Meet me at the ice cream shop tonight?” Phil asked hopefully, to which Dan instantly nodded.

Sure, his aunt hadn’t let up on that curfew yet, but Dan decided he could break it for tonight. He could just say he’d been at the library and lost track of time. (He’d been at the library a lot lately, saying he was researching for a school project, so his aunt would most likely believe him.)

The following school day passed in a blur; Dan couldn’t bring himself to focus as nothing seemed important to him. His mind was mostly a jumble of plans on how to get to New York City as soon as possible.

He’d already started the planning, taking maps from the library and marking the train lines he would take and what motels were on the way. With Phil, he figured, the planning would go along much faster, as he wouldn’t be doing it alone.

All Dan could think of was that he and Phil could not stay here any longer, and as he and Phil stood in the alley behind the ice cream shop, he decided it was time to bring his plans to light.

“I hear the queers have it a lot better in New York City,” Dan said, wanting to start off nonchalant.

“Dan,” Phil frowned, “Please stop calling us ‘the queers’.”

“I was thinking about running away.” Dan ignored Phil, his mind set. “To New York.”

“Dan, I don’t think—”

“I’ve already thought about it plenty,” Dan interrupted, his heart dropping at the downcast look on Phil’s face. “And I have a bunch of plans. Plus, my aunt has this safe with a load of money in it for when I get older and—”

“I don’t know about this, Dan.” Phil cut him off, his frown deepening.

“We can have an apartment of our own, and no parents to worry about,” Dan pleaded, not breaking eye-contact with Phil. “You’re old enough to move already; just take me with you.”

“Who said I was leaving?” Phil’s voice was raw and wavering.

“You can’t stay here!” Dan couldn’t help the desperate tone of his voice. He could feel tears beginning to well in his eyes. “Phil, I’ve done a bunch of research at the library and I really think we could be more safe in New York. I read about a bunch of couples that lived together in secret and got along just fine! They had careers and pretended to—”

“Dan, please.” Phil turned his head, looking away. “We’re too young to be out on our own, and there’s no way we’d have enough money.”

Dan could feel his stomach sink to his feet. “At least say you’ll come with me! Even if you’re lying, please… just say you’ll come with me.”

Phil smiled sadly, “I’ll go. I’m lying, but I’ll go.”

* * *

 

 

**_A MOMENT OF LOVE_ **

Despite Phil’s disapproval, Dan stood his ground. He continued to plan on his own, spending most of his extra time at the library. Dan figured that if he could prove to Phil that this was a plausible thing that they could really carry through on, Phil would agree.

As it turned out, no matter how hard Dan tried, Phil wouldn’t budge. All their conversations began to lead back to this one topic, ending with Phil saying something about how they’re “too young to take such a big risk” and Dan trying to counter him but always falling short. Even after Dan had shown Phil all of his plans in great detail, Phil still declined. Painfully and reluctantly, but he still declined.

When someone caught Dan and Phil together back behind the ice cream shop and demanded to know what they were doing out there, all they could do in response was stutter and say they were waiting for someone to pick them up. While they were fearing for their safety from this stranger, Dan made his final decision. He couldn’t stay here, and even if Phil wasn’t willing to come with him, he would go alone.

After deciding this, Dan was quick to organize his things. He picked his date to leave, which left him in town, with Phil, for three days. Dan tried not to think about the fact that he’d never see Phil again after leaving, but he realized that not thinking about something was the same as thinking about it.

The three days were entirely uneventful. Dan didn’t see Phil except for at school, and even then nothing was out of the ordinary. He didn’t know why, but he’d kind of expected Phil to argue him leaving.

The problem with this thinking, however, was that Dan hadn’t told Phil his plans of leaving alone. Dan had considered telling him, but he knew that Phil _would_ argue and maybe even convince him to stay. Dan’s emotions were a mess.

On the final night before he left, though, Dan made a trip over to Phil’s house. He hadn’t dared to be near the Lester house since the incident with Phil’s father, but he needed to go that night.

Dan had spent the hour before he left for Phil’s house trying to write Phil a note, but the right words hadn’t come to him. All he could muster that felt right was a messy scrawling of “ _I love you and I’m leaving but don’t follow me unless you’re staying with me._ ”

He supposed that would do as he stuck it into Phil’s windowpane, his heart heavy as he reluctantly stepped away from the window. He wiped away a few stray tears before turning back and heading home, sleeping in his own bed for one last time.

Dan didn’t dream that night, and when he woke, it felt all too soon. He left no time for second guesses, however, as after he got dressed, he grabbed his two pieces of luggage and headed out the door before his aunt or mother would wake.

Even on the train, Dan felt uneasy. He knew this was what he wanted, but he’d never felt so _alone_. He cursed Phil for being dense and too careful, but he took the thoughts back immediately. He felt bad enough leaving Phil behind; he didn’t need to _curse_ him, as well.

The lonely feeling didn’t subside in the slightest as Dan slept in a crummy motel bed, the electric sound and light from the powered sign outside his window seeping in. He wondered if the feeling would subside or if he’d just get used to it. He couldn’t count how many times he woke during the night.

It was that following morning when he got out of bed with a headache and a heartache all the same that he realized he wasn’t really _lonely_. He missed Phil, that was for certain. But he was also certain that he couldn’t stay in that little town with all those hateful, hateful people.

Dan knew that New York City wouldn’t be heaven. He knew that there would still be hatred, but there would be more _light_. Whenever he thought about meeting more people like himself, the giddiness he felt almost outweighed his longing for Phil. _Almost_.

Just as Dan grabbed his luggage and took a step towards the door, he heard a knock. Approaching wearily, Dan set down one of his bags to open the door. His jaw dropped when he was face to face with Phil, hair mussed and breath heavy.

“Oh, thank god. I was scared you’d already be gone.”

“Phil?” Dan leaned down slightly to pick his luggage back off of the floor to poorly hide the shock on his face. “What in the world are you doing here?” Dan pushed past Phil and out of the door, continuing on his path to the train. He wouldn’t be missing it, even if that meant leaving Phil behind for a second time. At the thought, Dan’s heart twisted in his chest.

“You told me all your plans, you know. I _was_ listening all that time.” Phil jogged forward just a touch to catch up with Dan, who’d continued to walk ahead of him.

“No. I mean, _what_ are you doing here?” Dan’s eyes flickered to the train station ahead of them. The train should’ve been coming any minute. “I’m not turning around, you know. I told you not to follow with the intentions of bringing me back.”

“I couldn’t let you go alone,” Phil replied sadly, and Dan became suddenly aware of the bag Phil was carrying.

Dan stopped in his tracks, turning to face Phil. “You’re coming with me?” His heart pounded in his ears and he ached to just hear the word ‘yes’.

“Whatever we do, Dan, we’ll do it together, okay?”

Dan’s body screamed for him to press his head to Phil’s chest, but they were in public. He just let out a rattling breath, though it caught in his throat as he felt Phil’s fingers intertwining with his own.

As the train creaked into the station, Dan looked at it, back to Phil, and then down at their hands. Phil’s smile was sad—it seemed his smile was always sad—but it was still a _smile_ , so Dan squeezed his hand took a step forward. The whistle of the train blew as Phil started to speak, enveloping his words and sending them away with the wind.

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to cuntphil and robbersdjh on tumblr, who were on my pbb team! you both did great work and i'm proud to have worked together with the both of you. another thanks to jinsssi on tumblr, who thought of the initial, basic idea/plot with me.  
> [here's the art again!](http://cuntphil.tumblr.com/post/152973322973/art-for-tadachans-beautiful-fic-while-our)  
> and as always, comments / kudos / bookmarks are greatly appreciated!


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